The Mexican Festival Model Guitar

Specs list:

  • Brand: No branding.  Some luthiers do that, but I use paper labels instead.
  • Model:  Fully clothed, in a frilly way.
  • Year of build:  I build every year.
  • Serial number: Changes from guitar to guitar.
  • Case: Police File No. ES-473-2815
  • Soundboard:  One
  • Back and sides:  Included
  • Neck:  Included
  • Neck profile:  Has been to prison twice, but has held down a job and caused no trouble since.
  • Fretboard: Included
  • Tuners:  Six.
  • Nut material: Whatever nuts are made out of.
  • Nut width: Depends on whether it’s walnuts, almonds, filberts, cashews, etc.
  • Peg head veneer:  Very convincing veneer of respectability.
  • Pickguard:  Often useful
  • Rosette:  Included.  Usually external, unless client specifies the mystery rosette.
  • Purfling:  On each instrument
  • Back strip:  see above
  • Body binding:  See above
  • Bridge:  A large one.  The unabridged version
  • Pins:  No. We use real glue instead.
  • Saddle material:  Usually leather
  • Saddle type:  Unisex
  • Brace pattern:  Internal
  • String spacing:  Adequate
  • Scale length:  More than adequate
  • Upper bout width/depth: Barely adequate
  • Lower bout width/depth:  Mostly adequate
  • Length:  Usually goes from head to bottom, coincident with the centerline
  • Waist:  Increasing.  I’ve had to get larger trousers.

In Spanish, the word for pineapple is piña.  This festive guitar is called a piñata (like the many fragile Mexican toys that get played with at birthday parties) on account of the fact that, with all of its colorful “ribbons/scales”, it is reminiscent of a pineapple.  That makes sense.  Much more sense, really, than to call it something that brings pine trees to mind and tries to cram the idea of an ordinary pineapple into your head in the same thought.  Not that I have anything against pineapples, mind you, save that there’s something jarringly disproportionate here.  Have you ever seen a pineapple plant?  It’s a spiky-leafed frond that’s about waist-high.  Pine indeed!  Hmph.

This guitar, which we made during off-hours and in the dark, represents a real breakthrough in musical instrument design – an instrument that is specifically made for celebratory events and memorable party occasions at which a steady and emphatic musical beat is most appropriate.

The design was originally the brain-child of famous classical music composer Johánn Sebastián Bachillér (NOTE: Pronounced ba-chi-yérr; Spanish for bachelor.  A bachillerato (ba-chi-yer-á-to) is a Bachelor’s Degree), who from early in life was fascinated by the large bass drums that were carried around in musical parades.  While not ever quite achieving the fame and notoriety of his German namesake Johann Sebastian what’s-his-name, Bachillér did nonetheless devote his life to the furtherance and promotion of this extraordinary and unique instrument.  We have taken up the baton that he, tragically, didn’t carry all the way to the finish line.  R.I.P., Sebastián

It is widely known that the contemporary guitar is able to soothe and calm both the player and listener.  The Piñata, amazingly enough, has also been found to be remarkably effective as a restorative – by way of enabling one to releasing muscle tensions and various hard-to-hold-in aggressive feelings . . . while simultaneously getting an aerobic workout!  Really, the therapeutic uses of this guitar have yet to be fully explored and realized.  If you want to spill your guts — or someone else’s — this is the guitar to do it with.  Not least, it makes a handy carrying case for your stash of . . . uh . . . medicinal cannabinoid inhalers and related equipment.

The usual roster of specific guitar measurements and materials is, in this case, irrelevant.  One size fits all — whether it’s scale length, neck width, string spacing, or body dimensions (see specs list above).  The same lack of emphasis on specific woods and materials holds for this instrument: it is made of the finest imported paper, cardboard, and scrap woods.

This guitar is, furthermore, fairly durable.  One can take it camping, canoeing, to the seashore, hiking (it’s relatively lightweight), bicycling (if you have a tandem bike), and to any Mexican fiesta you come across . . . and just hang out with it.  You should keep it out of the rain, though.

One can also play any musical beat on the Piñata, although it must be said that this guitar does best with quick-attack, basic (no harmonics or overtones) and high-impact notes played with a markedly syncopated rhythmic beat.  It must be emphasized that the beat really is the thing.  (The Jumbo guitar pick in the foreground is included at no extra cost.)

Finally, this guitar carries the famous Somogyi unconditional money-back guarantee.  That is: under no conditions will you ever get your money back.  And second: this instrument is fully warranted up until 30 days prior to the time it needs any repair or remediation work at all.

PRICE:  $124  plus shipping.  (You should jump on this if you have a birthday or anniversary coming up.  And what would it take for me to . . . ah . . . sweeten the deal?)