WE’VE been talking about luthiers’ marketing slogans.  They are – like slogans in general — perhaps partly truthful and often entirely superficial, but also cute while benefitting from a good tweak.  In my previous sending I quoted from the Glossary of Advertising Terms and Their Exact Meanings, and commented that most of the examples in it apply to guitar making.

Well, we need only to open any guitar or music publication these days to see what sloganeering strategies are being used by guitar makers to pull customers through their workshop doors to their sales counters . . . and also perhaps see in what ways these can be improved.

        Here are some real-life examples.

TOM RIBBECKE

Take, for instance, luthier Tom Ribbecke’s slogan “The Tradition Continues”.  When broken down into its constituent components and examined critically it gets points for being (1) concise, (2) pithy.  Also, by way of invoking the power of positive associations, it (3) lays claim to the cachet of Being Part of Something Bigger Than Itself — if only something as quotidian as tradition . . . which, as everyone knows, is simply an upscale way of saying the same old thing everybody and their cousin in the biz have been doing in much the same old way all along.  

Well, that’s a downside for sure.  The focal power of this slogan is blunted by Tom’s stated participation in the rather whimsical continuation of this amorphous tradition.  This is as vague and hard to pin down as the location of a fleeing felon, or a Specific Point on a Line.  Surely you remember that from high school geometry. 

The question is: how to improve this?  It’s far better, we think, to tighten this up by taking a Decisive and Authoritative Tone so no one will think Tom is Fooling Around.  A macho echo of the unforgettable and deeply noble statement of personal responsibility once made by one of our Great Presidents would suggest recasting Tom’s slogan into: “The Tradition Stops Here”.  This has got Vintage written all over it!  It has the advantage of locating Tom’s work more firmly in time and unmistakably fixing its contribution to that tradition, while simultaneously suggesting to the consumer that this is all there is, get ‘em while they’re red hot and available, ‘cause This Is It And There Ain’t No More.  Wow!  This really goes for the maximum jugular.

HENRY GUITARS

Another great guitar advertising slogan is Henry Guitars’ “The Sound of Quality Craftsmanship”.  At first sight this is an A-O.K. sentiment.  But a second look reveals its limitations: this is really frighteningly vague and confusing as to referent.  

After all, what sounds of quality craftsmanship, exactly, will this guitar be replicating?  A saw cutting through expensive rosewood?  The groaning sounds of bending and clamping the laminated elements of a designer chair?  A polishing wheel screechily bringing the final luster to a cut glass decanter?  Or a ball-peen hammer skillfully crafting the tone-sections of a steel drum?  Maybe the evocative sounds of someone making a beautiful clay vase?  Or, perhaps, the sound of a wood sculptor using a chainsaw to carve a replica of Michaelangelo’s “David” out of a tree stump?  You see, “The Sound of Quality Craftsmanship” just won’t do.  

We feel this luthier would do better to make a marketing statement that is (a) sufficiently general to bypass the specific criticisms which the existing slogan’s logic invites, but which (b) also is simultaneously Bull’s-Eye Right-On, No-Nonsense, and Claims Decisive Excellence, and which most importantly (c) does not lose the All-Important Nexus With SOUND, which is at the slogan’s heart.  This caveat leads immediately to an improved formulation of the original statement: “Henry Guitars: Much Better Than They Sound!”  There!  Can you see how much more satisfactory this is?  Only the most obtuse reader would fail to be impressed.

HARRY FLEISHMAN

On the ground-floor front, slogan-wise, it is widely known that luthier Harry Fleishman is seeking to expand his new line of classic dovetail-topped guitars and is at this very moment scratching his head over which one-sentence sentiment most effectively will project Buy Me into the minds of his customer base—a tricky problem for all of us, actually.  We would suggest referring to the previous list of slogan-making principles to come up with something classic (no pun intended).  For instance, if Mr. Fleishman would combine the elements of (1) pithiness, (2) humor, (3) claim of excellence and (4) contrast—which are by themselves always an appealing mix—and add to these the kicker of (5) great personal humility, he might just come up with a winner of a slogan such as: “Fleishman: Great Guitars … from a Substandard Guy”.  We call it to his attention.

DAVE MAIZE

Northwest luthier Dave Maize is our point man on political correctness in lutherie and his slogan announces the use of sustainable yield domestic woods.  While this is laudable, we feel that such a thrust would benefit from a bit more oomph than his bald statement that only by implication distances itself from the killing of endangered woods.  We suggest a reformulation of Mr. Maize’s abortive arboreal conscientiousness into something more decisive, like: “I don’t kill exotic trees like other luthiers do.  My instruments are made from woods harvested from trees felled solely by disease, age, natural disaster, beavers, or P.G.&E. malfeasance.  My trademark Petrified Wood Travel Guitars are stronger than Samsonite luggage and have the ultimate in aged sound.  Oh, and no trees are endangered or killed in the making of them!”.  Putting this much information on a business card wouldn’t leave room for Mr. Maize’s name, address, or other information about how to reach him, but we feel strongly that this message would be so compelling that customers would be moved to track him down and find him even if he were in the Federal Luthier’s Protection Program.

ERVIN SOMOGYI

As we underlined previously, we have read with heady bewilderment the plethora of lutherie slogans in the latest issues of all the trade magazines and tried to imagine the average reader’s experience of wading through all the claims made so as to choose their next dream guitar.  It cannot be done.  There are too many luthiers Clamoring Excellence by one standard or another: best value, best sound, best craftsmanship, and most waterproof.  It’s way too confusing.  We also commented on Ervin Somogyi’s brilliantly efficient cutting-to-the-chase-while-also-cutting-out-the-competition slogan of claiming to produce the best guitars anywhere, anytime, and certainly of all the ones mentioned in this or that magazine.  

Well, Somogyi has improved on that in his current campaign – by enlisting the influence of someone with Official Power and Authority to speak for him!  (That way, he’s not going to be selfishly lying about his own products.)  Accordingly, Somogyi now attaches the following official statement to all his posts:  

SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: It has been determined that the sound of Somogyi guitars is so intoxicating that users are warned against playing them while driving or operating heavy machinery.

We think that this will also put in their place the envious wags who, for instance, amend the slogan “NOTHING sounds better than a Somogyi guitar” by bitterly adding the bon mot of: “Much better, in fact”. 

RAINSONG GUITARS

Finally, the previous mention of waterproof brings us to Rainsong Guitars, which are facing tremendous marketing challenges.  The fact that they are made entirely of synthetic and water-repellent materials forms the thrust of much of their advertising, in which water-resistance has been prominently and repeatedly mentioned.  

The manufacturers have clearly decided that their guitars’ relation to WATER is key.  As such, we must recognize that this hasn’t been developed to its full potential.  According to selling rules #5 (hyperbole), #8 (think big), #9 (moral rectitude), and #13 (think even bigger) of the Businessman’s Marketing Guidelines, the advertisers should immediately drop mention of water on the level of mere rain.  Rain is way too humble and ordinary, while this calls for Something Huge and Epic.  Much better to invoke Really Big Important Bodies of Water, and Equally Big Geopolitical Realities Associated With Big Important Bodies of Water — such as the Panama Canal. We modestly suggest: “A Man, A Plan, a Canal, A Guitar . . . Rainsong!!! — and, oh, by the way, we don’t kill trees like those other luthiers do”.  And see those sales lines jump off the charts.

Space and time limitations force us to stop here on this important topic, but you get the idea.  This message has been brought to you courtesy of A.F.C.I. (The American Federation of the Conceptually Impaired) — where friends don’t let friends make guitars. 

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EDITORIAL NOTE: this humorous and totally un-serious article was written several years ago, with the permission of everyone mentioned.  Well, pretty much.  Somogyi objected at first; but we sent Guido and Vinnie, our . . . uh . . . motivational facilitators, to have a talk with him and he quickly changed his mind — and then also generously offered to defray their considerable traveling expenses out of pocket.