Dr. Dovetail is a [humorous] advice column for luthiers.  It consists of some earnest letters of inquiry that Dr. Dovetail has been helpful with.  

Be it noted that no one is named who has objected to their name being used, and other names have been disguised to protect the innocent. There is no subtext, there are no hidden messages, there is no weirdness or backstabbing going on outside of my own silliness.  If I really don’t like someone, I certainly don’t make fun of them in public.  I go after them in sneaky ways.

On the other hand, nothing is trickier than writing humor. It’s more difficult than any other kind of writing; it’s impossible to not offend someone, no matter how hard you try.  So if this isn’t going to be quite your cup of tea, please don’t read on. 

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

I recently bought a Ribbecke guitar with a huge bulge in the lower bout on the treble side of the face, at my local flea market.  The guy selling it said it didn’t need de-warping ‘cause it was made like that.  He said it was a bubbled-top guitar.  What’s the deal with this?

Signed: Bubbles, in Champaign (Illinois)

Dear Bubbles in Champaign:

What you have in your hot trembling hands, you lucky innocent, is one of the Ribbecke bubble-top guitars, manufactured in the 1970s.  The genesis of the design is obscure: at first it was thought to be simply a metaphor for the essential post-modern deconstructionist paradigm.  However, industrial sources report that it was the result of a search for a way to make guitars more sexy by giving them cleavage, and Ribbecke’s bulgey design ultimately provided the inspiration for the Miracle Bra.  Having only a single bubbled mound on the treble side, however, these early attempts at representing cleavage came off as rather half-assed.

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

 Having been a member of the National Luthier’s Guild for some years now I’m puzzled by the fact that its publication, Guitarmaker, is only published a few times a year.  Other magazines are published at least six times a year, if not monthly or even weekly, and, given the sheer amount of interest in lutherie and woodworking out there, I’d expect that there would be more than enough material available to publish an informational journal more frequently.  What is the explanation for such a lapse?

                                                                                    Signed: Elmore Pulitzer

Dear Elmore:

Being a somewhat in-house publication, it is felt that the normal rules and considerations don’t apply to Guitarmaker.   It is furthermore felt that this publication, like other things in its publisher’s life, more than makes up in size and quality for what it lacks in frequency.

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

My wife recently surprised me by buying me a Humphries “millennium” guitar. The sense of occasion of the moment, unfortunately, was somewhat blunted by our getting into a heated argument about when the millennium actually began: in 2000, or in 2001?  If I’m right, my wife threatens to return the “millennium” guitar and says I’m free to repurchase it myself on any date I wish. Can you help clarify this most vexing situation?

                                                            Signed: Stanley Kubrick (no, not that one)

Dear the-other-Stanley:

 No need to worry: no actual, current time line is violated in the purchase of a Humphreys millennium instrument.  Because the cachet of the current new millennium had already been co-opted by numerous commercial franchise ventures which had bought all rights to it, Mr. Humphreys’ guitars actually refer to the third millennium B.C.,which was still up for grabs.  Keep your guitar and enjoy it.  We understand these guitars are really great for playing old-timey music. 

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

I keep hearing that luthiers and lutherie folks are diamonds in the rough. That is, lots of them don’t have a lot of formal schooling, but they’re really smart anyhow.  Are any members of this group particularly educated in a formal way, and how well did they do academically before they went in for lutherie work?

                                                                                                Signed, P.H. Dee, PhD

Dear P.H. Dee:

Todd Taggart quickly comes to mind.  He’s often told us that he was in the top 98% of his graduating class.

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

I’ve been excited to hear about Julian Gaffney’s new all-Brazilian-rosewood (top, back, sides, neck, braces, bridge and case) guitars, but have been hearing mutterings of dissatisfaction about these instruments.  What gives?  Brazilian rosewood isn’t all that bad a bad wood, is it?

                                                                                                Signed, Rio Janeiro

Dear Rio Janeiro:

We can only say that, for reasons which we don’t have the space to get into, it is generally felt that with the recent release of his “Save the Rainforest” line of Presentation Model all-Brazilian-rosewood guitars this man has hit rock bottom and begun to excavate.

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

 I’ve been on the periphery of the world of lutherie for quite some time and informally followed the careers, successes and failures of some of the more prominent members of the guitarmaking community.  I couldn’t help noticing that Ericson Reid, who had been active in guitarmaking and finishing, seems to have dropped out of sight.  Does anyone know why?

                                                                      Signed, Nah Yusseem Nahwa-Yudunt

Dear Nah Yusseem:

 This firmly-established luthier made a bad mistake some time ago in building a guitar for a very important client who was connected with the Mob.  He mistook the massage lotion for the wood glue and used it on that project.  These substances look quite alike, you know, and this is an easy mistake to make. I’ve done it myself.  Anyway, this individual had to leave town quickly and has gone into the Federal Luthier’s Protection Plan, and no one knows his whereabouts.  We think he may have been sent to Costa Rica to work anonymously.

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

I’ve been hearing a lot about Ervin Somogyi lately: his unusual sense of design, his controversial politics, his pioneering nontraditional methods, his eccentric teaching style, his checkered work ethic, his highly Bohemian manners of personal behavior, his groundbreaking body of work, and the heroic array of medications that keep him going.  This guy has made quite a splash.   I hear he started out with nothing.  Is this true?

                                                                                    Signed,  Gudfur Nottingham

Dear Gudfur:

Yes. And common sentiment is that he still has most of it.

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

How long have Alembic guitars been around?  I seem to have heard about them all my life.  And didn’t Rick Turner make them?

                                                                                                Signed, Old Timer

Dear Old Timer:

Turner guitars have indeed been around for a long time.  As a matter of fact, diggers at a prehistoric archeological site in North Central Southeastern Germany recently unearthed a perfectly preserved petrified wood  Rick Turner guitar.  Experts said it was the earliest example of a rock guitar they’d ever seen.

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

Why do archtop guitars have so much bigger pegheads than regular acoustic guitars?

                                                                        Signed, Angelerenzorinaldi Manuelmauriccio

Dear Mr. Manuelmauriccio:

 It’s because Italians have such long last names.

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

I’ve been trying to come up with a great, socko byline for my guitars, but I’m hitting a brick wall.  All the good slogans have been taken.  Do you have any advice for me?

                                                                               Signed, Looking for a good Line

Dear Looking:

Before Boaz El-Laskin got on the bandwagon with his new slogan “Guitars so good you’ll plotz!”  he was going to use “Miracle Guitars: if it sounds good, it’s a Miracle!”.  This was originally intended to be marketed to seminary students, but he changed his mind after rethinking his demographic. It’s become available should you want it.  Also, we hear that D. Angelico Corleone was going to release his new “il Padrone” model along with the slogan A Guitar You Can’t Refuse.  But, since his mysterious disappearance, that one seems to be available as well.

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

I’ve been hearing about Larry Robinson’s inlay work for a long time and I finally got a hold of some of his books.  Wow.  Where does he come up with these complicated, intertwined, colorful designs and images? But aren’t they a bit on the busy side?

                                                                  Signed, Snowblinded by m.o.p.

Dear Snowblinded:

Well, yes, but overall there’s general agreement that Robinson’s work is quite a lot better than it looks.

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

I’m a wealthy collector of fine things who is considering buying some guitars. My problem is that the most expensive guitars are made of rosewood, and my home is decorated in Danish modern style, so the guitars really wouldn’t match the décor.  Do you have any suggestions?

                                                                 Signed, Max from the Hamptons

Dear Max:

Why yes, I do, and your timing in asking this couldn’t be more perfect. Luddite’s Mercantile Inc. wood supplier in Healdsburg, California, has just received a large shipment of extremely expensive Brazilian rosewood which was recently culled from a pocket of the Amazon basin in which there has previously been little logging activity. This new wood is quite amazing. Far from looking like the same old dark Brazilian rosewood which everyone has been using for years, different samples of this new wood have the appearances of Danish maple, oak, Finnish birch, Dutch mahogany, and even Swedish chromed metal.  Our staff feels that guitars made from unique materials would undoubtedly make the perfect accent statements to go with your couch, curtains, or gazebo.

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

 I haven’t seen any of the Greedlove guitars around in a while and I heard that the company went out of business.  What gives?

                                                                                                Signed, I. M. Curious

Dear I. M. Curious:

Unfortunately Greedlove & Co.  got involved with the advertising company that was also Enron Corporation’s former Public Relations organ.  Everything started to fall apart when, through the error of a dyslexic adman, the advertising for their new Domed-Top Guitars was spelling “domed” with a double “o”.

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

I‘ve been a guitar maker for a while now, but I’m finding the politics and egos involved are complicating my enjoyment of the work much more than I ever thought such things could.  What advice do you have for a young guy with the hots to make it in this game, but doesn’t want to either take sides, get politicized, or alienate some people? 

                                                                          Signed, Disconcerted Dave

Dear Disconcerted Dave:

There are Four Golden Rules to follow in negotiating the complications and pitfalls of working with others.  First, look for the humor in every situation.  Second, don’t take sides.  Third, never tell people everything you think.

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

I’m a bit disconcerted by the entry of so many foreigners into guitar making. Used to be that it was only real Americans that did this work — for instance like Roy Noble, one of the real old timers.

                                                                                    Signed, Patriotic

Dear Patriotic:

Yeah, I know what you mean, but in this case I have to pop your balloon. Roy Noble’s family originally came from Eastern Europe, where their family name was Nobulshitzky.  They shortened the name to something easier to pronounce when they arrived here.

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

I’ve been reading Al Carruth’s articles for years now with increasing fascination.  He has the most impressive grasp of musical acoustics and dynamics, and all done from a very scientific point of view.  Yet, outside of his brilliant writings, no one I’ve talked to seems to know much about him.  What can you tell me about this intriguing but shadowy figure?

                                                                                                Signed, Al Anon

Dear Al Anon:

 In truth, Al is all but impossible to describe adequately.  The best I can do is tell you the fact — widely agreed on by his friends — that if there were a contest for which First Prize would be a dinner with Al, then Second Prize would be two dinners with him. Third Prize would be three dinners with him.  And so on. You get the picture.

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

I understand that luthier Martin Einstein has a PhD. in philosophy and is very smart.  I met him once.  I was standing on a ladder, trying to throw a tape measure up to the top of a flagpole, hoping to catch the flagpole’s tip.  I needed to measure the flagpole’s height, you see, and I wasn’t having much luck. This fellow took one look at me and said, ‘hey, wouldn’t it be easier if you took the flagpole out of its socket, laid it out on the ground, and measured it like that?’  Then he walked on.  I thought that was a pretty silly thing to say, don’t you?

                                                                                                Signed, Flagpoleman

Dear Flagpoleman:

Yeah.  Obviously, he didn’t understand that you were trying to measure the flagpole’s height, not its width.

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

 I’ve been hearing about something called the Doppler Guitar.  Is it made by someone named Doppler?  Who is he, and what are his guitars all about?

                                                                    Signed, Coming & Going

Dear Coming & Going:

The Doppler guitar is the brainchild of luthier Martin Gibson.  It’s based in the Doppler effect, in which objects approaching at high speed make a high-pitched sound and objects withdrawing at high speed emit a low-pitched sound — as when a car zooms past you on the highway as you are hitchhiking in the desert.  

This enterprising designer saw a possibility of using this principle of physics to improve the response and tonal balance of his instruments. He is, at this time, attempting to patent a guitar the sound of which has its high end boosted as the player runs toward the audience with it; and the bass register is enhanced as one runs away from the audience, while playing the guitar.  A special guitar harness is included at no extra charge, and this guitar provides something no other brand can boast of: tremendous aerobic and health benefits.

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

My brother and I used to see Gustav Taylor at many guitar shows, but haven’t seen him lately.  Has he dropped out?  We’ve been really hoping to see and play some of his newer guitars.

                                                                                    Signed,  Isaiah Wahoppen

Dear Mr. Wahoppen:

I’m happy to tell you that Gustav is still making great guitars.  He went through a rough patch a while back and has simply found it hard to get to his tables at shows, because of all the restraining orders against him.  Watch for someone who looks heavily disguised and it’ll probably be him. 

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

I’ve been reading your column for years and I think you’re making this stuff up. No one could write real letters like this.  I’d like to see what would happen if you were hooked up to a polygraph.

                                                                                    Signed,  Wired for Soundness

Dear Wired for Soundness:

You’re not the first one to bring this concern up.  Not long ago I made an appointment with a luthier-polygrapher to settle people’s suspicions once and for all.  Since he too had thought that I told incredible whoppers, he hooked me up not to a polygraph but a seismograph — in anticipation of getting truer readings. The needles held rock steady.  

At least, until he plugged the machine in.

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

 As a marketing student on my way to an M.B.A., I know that Ford, Oracle, 3-M, Toyota, Chef Boy-Ar-Dee, Pepsi-Cola, etc. have long since zeroed in on the perfect sound-byte for increasing sales and market share.  I’m wondering what might be the absolute best marketing slogan you’ve ever come across from a guitar maker?

                                                                               Signed, Future Biz-Whiz

Dear Future Biz-Whiz:

My personal favorite is from Ervin Somogyi’s pre-lutherie career, when he was making vacuum-cleaners.  His slogan was Somogyi; Our Products Really Suck. His business went under just before the advertising campaing that was to use this line got off the ground. Too bad; he really had high hopes for it.  We hear that he has been working on an entirely new model of guitar called “The Miracle Model”, to soon be marketed as “The Miracle Guitar: if it sounds good it’s a Miracle!”.  We wish him luck.

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

My most embarrassing moment in lutherie happened one night when, in the dark, my girlfriend and I mistook the white glue for the massage lotion.  The next morning the fire department had to be called in to hose us apart.  Living in a small town, everybody was there to see the show.  It was really embarrassing.  Say, this is the “most embarrassing moments” column, isn’t it?

                                                                        Signed:  Togetherness in Tillamook

Dear Togetherness in Tillamook:

It is now.

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

I really need help.  I’m an alcoholic with a bad problem that’s getting out of control.  I’d like to try one of the 12-step programs, but I can’t afford them.  What should I do?

                                                                       Signed, My Wood is Drier Than I Am

Dear Dryer Woods:

I’m glad you wrote, because there’s a fix.  Luthier’s Anonymous offers a fifteen-percent-off, ten-step, program which has had good results. To make the transition easier, L.A. takes you off the hard stuff gradually by putting you on a temporary diet of wines which are specially developed for luthiers — and which are the same stuff the National Luthier’s Guild bigwigs enjoy at their symposiums (have you ever noticed how sober they look?).   The current offerings are the award-winning Vin du Pay Forever, this year’s best near miss Chateau Clos But No cigar, the somewhat overinflated Le GrandPinot Envee’, and the perennially asymptotic Maison Clos-To-Being-Done.  Good Luck!

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

I’m puzzled by some aspects of Harry Fleishman’s persona.  In his writings, he comes across as a thoughtful, highly professional and smart guy.  But in person, when he lectures or gives classes, my impression of him is that he just woke up.  Am I missing something?  What gives?

                                                                                Signed, Puzzled in Peoria

Dear Puzzled in Peoria:

Harry really is, in fact, a phenomenally gifted, charming, witty, and urbane man of penetrating intelligence who is, after everything is said and done, sparklingly brilliant.  Because of this, the directors of lutherie events have long made it a point to ask Harry to mumble, stutter and say inane things when he makes public appearances.  It makes people in the audiences not feel so bad about themselves.

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

As fur as hand-applied finishes go, do ya’ think that if’n I rubbed sausage grease all over mah guitar I could call it a French Polish finish?

                                                                                                Signed, Jes’ Wonderin’

Dear Jes’ Wonderin’:

That does it.  I quit.

Dr. Dovetail is a [humorous] advice column for luthiers.  It consists of some earnest letters of inquiry that Dr. Dovetail has been helpful with.  

Be it noted that no one is named who has objected to their name being used, and other names have been disguised to protect the innocent. There is no subtext, there are no hidden messages, there is no weirdness or backstabbing going on outside of my own silliness.  If I really don’t like someone, I certainly don’t make fun of them in public.  I go after them in other sneaky ways.

On the other hand, nothing is trickier than writing humor. It’s more difficult than any other kind of writing; it’s impossible to not offend someone, no matter how hard you try. So if this isn’t going to be quite your cup of tea, please don’t read on. 

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

My boyfriend is a luthier and I’ve been going to lutherie shows with him for some time now.  I’ve noticed something odd going on.  All the luthiers part their hair on the left.  Is this some weird membership or dress code thing?  Why do they all do this?

                                                                                        Signed, Puzzled in Topeka

Dear Puzzled:

Their mothers were all right handed.

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Dear Dr. Dovetail,

I am thinking of hiring some luthiers for my guitar factory.  I have heard that Leo Buendia is a fine luthier that I should get to work for me?  What do you think?

Signed, Anxious

Dear Anxious,

You will be very lucky to get this man to actually work for you and I would waste no time in hiring him.

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

My teacher at the Roverto-Benn school gave me a lutherie problem to solve:  A famous guitarist is playing a big concert in a renown music hall in City A at 8:00 p.m. City A is 200 miles from City B, and 300 miles from City C.  A luthier in City B wants to sell the performer in question a guitar and starts hitchhiking with his guitar to City A, at noon.  He averages thirty miles an hour.  But, unfortunately, he forgets to take his medication along.  A second luthier, in City C, also wants to sell a guitar to this musician.  He starts driving his Yugo toward City A at 10:00 a.m., flooring it all the way.  He averages 40 miles per hour. Unfortunately, he leaves his concert hall tickets at one of three bars he stops at to ask for directions.

 Which luthier gets to the musician first and makes the sale? 

                                                                                                        Signed:  Al Thumbs

Dear Al Thumbs:

Obviously, the luthier at the bar who found the mislaid concert hall tickets.

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

I’m a part-time luthier and computer hacker and I’ve just hacked into the central C.I.A. database files at Langley to find out what kind of dirt our top national security agency has gathered about the. board of directors of one of our larger lutherie supply organizations.  Amazing!!! These people are the most incredible bunch of misfits and ne’er-do-wells I’ve ever read about.  They’ve run their own businesses into the ground, cheated on their partners, colluded in price fixing of a vast array of their shoddy merchandise, have wild sex orgies at their annual sinposiums, and take drugs regularly.  The most disturbing thing was that none of them seems to have ever been convicted of anything.  Do these people have any previous convictions?

                                                                                    Signed,  Amazed

Dear Amazed:

Well, yes; they all used to believe that honesty is the best policy.

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

I have a problem.  I have two brothers.  One is a luthier.  The other was put to death in the electric chair for murder.  My mother died in an insane asylum when I was three years old. My two sisters are both prostitutes and my father sells narcotics to high school students.  Recently I met a girl from a reformatory where she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death.  I’m really in love with this girl and I want to marry her.  My problem is this: if I marry her, how do I tell her about my brother who is the luthier?

                                                                                                Signed, Fred in Omaha

Dear Fred in Omaha:

It’ll sound better if you tell her he’s on the Board of Directors of a  nationally prominent luthier’s supply organization with certain connections to a major national security organization.

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

I understand that individual guitar makers, having no advertising budget, are forced to market their instruments by going to guitar concerts and hawking them backstage, after the shows.  Amazingly, some luthiers do very well at this.  I’m told that Jason Kostal has been particularly fortunate in this method of marketing.  How did he start?

                                                                               Signed, For The Record

Dear For The Record:

This luthier’s early career in somewhat vague, but we have an unverified report that before he was a guitar maker he made grand pianos.  He would drive them to concerts and haul them backstage to show musicians.  It was working pretty well for him, but his back eventually gave out and he needed to lift lighter things.

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

Supposing you are making a guitar out of Egyptian Yew and Baltic Wormwood that have a density of six point two and five point nine pounds per cubic foot, respectively, at 26 degrees centigrade and 36% humidity.  The woods are worked to .130″ during light Santa Ana wind conditions in October, when Young’s Modulus for the topwood is precisely 3.  The braces are made out of Thuringian poplar felled at a 7000 foot elevation in December, with a grain count of 13 per centimeter.  The air cavity is 17.85 liters and the soundhole is 4.25 inches in diameter.  The bridge, made from rare aged Tasmanian Devilwood, weighs 39.7 grams at sea level at 60 millimeters of barometric pressure.

What would you expect the effect on the guitar’s 0,1,1 resonance dipole to be, and also on the impedance midrange transient of the 5000 to 8000 Hertz band (including bass signature roloff), of increasing the scale of this guitar by one centimeter?

                                                                    Signed, Scientific Guitarmaker

Dear Scientific Guitarmaker:

None at all, unless you put strings on it.

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

I’ve been reading about the Kasha bracing system, with its radial asymmetrical bracing and impedance damping split bridges.  I find this radical approach thought-provoking and intriguing, as it seems to come out of a heretofore unexplored concept of guitar acoustics that has ramifications into both monocoque and structural engineering, as well as exciting implications for entirely new bracing systems.  Can you explain some of the dynamics and thinking behind this important contemporary breakthrough in guitar design?

                                                                                                        Signed, Fascinated

Dear Fascinated:

No.

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

Frank Ford, of A.S.I.A.’s board of directors, is a well known repairman and an avid adherent of hide glues.  He recently wrote the definitive History of Glue.  Is this book any good?

                                                                                  Signed,  Curious about Yellow

Dear Curious:

No one on the staff here could put the book down once they picked it up.

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

I hear Ervin Somogyi has broken ground as an artist by developing a new art form: woodcarving art inspired by the techniques and materials of lutherie work. Some people say this artwork-for-the-wall is pretty brilliant.  What have you heard?

                                                                                  Signed, Aesthetic Woodworker

Dear Aesthetic:

The consensus in the art gallery world and among the doyens of the National Endowment is that at least Somogyi’s wall-art work, if not the man himself, is quite well hung.

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

I’m impressed with Michael Bashkin’s guitars, as well as his marketing acumen. He has worked hard at placing his instruments in the hands of prominent endorsers and is constantly striving to increase his market profile.  What advertising blitz will we, the members of the public, be treated to next?

                                                                                                Signed, MBA plunker

Dear MBA plunker:

 This man has really surpassed himself by recently signing an exclusive-use endorsement deal with the prestigious Gallaudet University Guitar Symphony Orchestra.  They love the sound of his guitars!  Look for their CD soon on the Music Mime label.

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

I want to buy a guitar, but am concerned that I find one that’s made with New Age Consciousness, with regard for all living things, and with an attitude of respect for the earth.  What brand do you recommend?

Signed, Conscientious in Fargo

Dear Conscientious:

I’d try a Taylor.  They don’t use laboratory animals to test their products.  They use real consumers instead.

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

It’s been a long time since anyone’s heard about Larry Robinson, the famous guitar inlay artist.  He made it Big Time in the seventies and eighties, but then ran into trouble with controlled substances, gambling debts to the Mob, various nervous breakdowns which led to hospitalizations and electroshock therapy and, of course, some sexual escapades notorious to the point of becoming legendary. What ever happened to him?

 Signed, Reminiscing

Dear Reminiscing:

The individual you named has really cut a wide swath through the barrel bottoms of life, there’s no denying.  After several attempts at drug rehab, counseling, and ultimately finding religion, his parole officer assures us that Robinson has turned his life around a full 360 degrees.

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

Me and my brother-in-law Biff went into partnership to import inexpensive Mexican guitars. Our business plan has been to rent a truck, drive to Mexico, buy a load of cheap guitars, and haul them back across the border to sell.  We’ve done this a few times, buying the Mexican guitars for $50 each, driving them across the border, and selling them for $40 each, stateside.  Cash flow is terrible, and we’re just scraping by.  We’ve been tryin to figure out what to do about this situation. What do you think we oughtta do?

 Signed, Mack from El Paso 

Dear Mack from El Paso:

You obviously need a bigger truck.

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

I read that the National Luthier’s Guild. recently completed some rigorous controlled listening tests on guitars made by its members. What were the findings?

   Signed, Acoustician in Nashville

Dear Acoustician:

The N.L.G. found that Nothing sounds better than a Manzer guitar.  Much better, in fact.

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:            

It’s always interesting to know how various prominent luthiers got their start.  After all, it’s not as though one could go to school to learn these skills, until recently, and all  the old timers segued into guitar making from something else. One of the most fascinating individuals on the scene is Kasha Michael, who heads a world-famous enterprise that carries his name: how did he get his start in designing and making soundboxes?

 Signed, Anecdotally Curious

Dear Anecdotally Curious:

He started out making caskets for dead pets.

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

 The name C.F. Martin is known the world over.  The first initial stands for “Christian”.  It seems to me that to have four generations of the most famous guitar making dynasty in the world having this name can’t be an accident in this day and age.  Do you know anything about the nexus between Christianity and guitars, which this name suggests?  There’s probably a significant history, perhaps even an entire metaphysic, involved. Can you cast any light on this?

Signed, Christian luthier

Dear Christian luthier:

 There’s been a lot of speculation about the nexus. You can read all about it in the recently published  The Day Christ Died: The Real Story Behind “X” Bracing, which is available through The Luddite’s Mercantile catalogue.

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

I’ve been following Lewis Santer’s career for some years now, and I’m really impressed with his work.  What accounts for his fabulous success as a repairman?

Signed, Motown groupie

Dear Motown groupie:

This man’s work is motivated by an attitude of extremely conscientious, almost compulsive, carefulness and fastidious attention to the smallest details.  Why, he’s so meticulous that when he misplaces something, the place he finds that thing is not the last place he looks— just to make certain he didn’t lose it somewhere else!  No one else we know of functions at this level.

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

I’m a psychologist and part-time luthier.  In doing archival research for my doctor’s thesis in weird personality disorders, I’ve stumbled onto the fact that Bick Doak, who is associated with the Marlin Guitar Company’s custom shop for many years, once aspired to become an engineer as well as a writer of literature.  He wrote at least one book in which he tried to combine engineering, fiction, ethics, marine science, whaling, theology and topology, but it seems to be out of print and I can’t find any references to it tell me what it was about either.  Can you help?

Signed, Rosewood Sheepskin Man in Tulsa

Dear Rosewood/Sheepskin:

Mr. Doak has indeed had a varying palette of interests in his past lives. The book you refer to is  Mobius Dick, (or What Goes Around Comes Around), which became an obscure but intensely studied cult classic some years ago. It was unfortunately doomed by vicious academic infighting between the engineering and ethics departments of the Universities at which the book was taught, that culminated in the unfortunate and subsequently hushed-up lawsuit between the Vatican and M.I.T.  Psychologists have argued that the book, which carries the author’s first name in its title, is autobiographical. Pirated versions can still occasionally be found on the Vatican’s website.  Mr. Boak is presently working on a specialty catalogue of inexpensive woods and materials for the guitar maker, titled Cheap Thrills In The Woodshop. We can hardly wait for it to come out.

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

Many luthiers have had previous careers in everything from business to photography to the arts, and have been successful in these.  Furthermore, when they become guitar makers they often bring specific skills and attitudes from their former occupations with them, and use these to great advantage in mastering the skills of lutherie.  I understand that one of the most prominent female luthiers on the scene today used to be a lawyer.  What legal skills did she transfer over?

 Signed, tax-accountant/guitar maker

Dear tax-accountant:  

She actually wasn’t ever a lawyer: she was a dyslexic law student who dropped out when she found out she wouldn’t ever be joining the American Bra Association.  But, even so, she did have a bit more trouble at first than the average second-careerist in transferring her legal skills over into lutherie.  Due to a semantic misunderstanding, she believed that her guitars’ ease of playability needed to be actionable.  She made many like that. 

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

I went to the opening of a fancy new yuppie restaurant in my town and was attended by a most attractive waitress.  When she asked me what I wanted I told her that I wanted a quickie  from her, and she slapped me.  She said that she didn’t do that kind of thing, and what did I want? Brought up short as much by her reflexes as by her looks, I repeated that I really did want a quickie  from her.  She slapped me again, and said for me to forget that, and what did I really want?  I didn’t want to get hit again, so I left.  What gives?

Signed, Bubba von Dresdner

Dear Bubba:

It’s pronounced keesh.  We could recommend a good finishing school for you.

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

I’ve been hearing reports about Santer Instruments but I can’t quite get a fix on them.  I hear that they have a guitar model called the “Zero Defcets”, which happens to be my name.  Can you tell me something about its founder?  

 Signed, Zero Defcets

Dear Mr. Defcets:

Miroslav Santer is a man who has achieved the American dream.  Originally an immigrant into the U.S. from New Jersey, Mr. Defcets started out with nothing.  But like many self-made men he has, through sheer hard work and will power, made his way to the very highest pointof the Bell Curve.

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Dear Dr. Dovetail:

I’ve long been fascinated at how guitar making work has attracted aficionados who previously have had other jobs, interests and careers.  I’m particularly fascinated at how these creative individuals have brought with them the skills and disciplines of their former work lives — be they training in fine arts, machining, architecture, pattern-making, cabinetwork, commercial design, music or physics — and adapted them to guitar making.  Have any luthiers come from the automobile making industry?

Signed, Edsel from Detroit

Dear Edsel from Detroit:

Why yes, there is one prominent luthier, whom we cannot name, who has come from that well-established industry.  His current main project is a guitar with listener’s-side air bags.  Frankly, it’s generally felt that his instruments really do need them.

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         Dr. Dovetail’s column will be continued in the second volume of this set.